The Ghost Of You
by watchtherainfall
Summary: How can I feel you beside me yet know that you are not there? How can I feel your breath on my neck, you arm on my back and your eyes upon me, expectantly? It wasn't fair how much control you had over me and I certainly didn't like it.


How can I feel you beside me yet know that you are not there? How can I feel your breath on my neck, you arm on my back and your eyes upon me, expectantly? It wasn't fair how much control you had over me and I certainly didn't like it. You were dead and had been for fifteen years. You died in the war, and despite the tragedies that I tried to forget those many years ago I still knew that you died. You broke my heart when you died and it's impossible to say that you didn't but how are you present now? I've already looked up and found that you were not there, nor was a ghost of you. I could not be sure what you were, but I could feel you prominently beside me.

I would have recognized if your ghost had been here. I know for a fact that you had not wanted to become a ghost, so part of me knew that no matter how much I prayed, you would never have made the decision to become one so. I know, I was selfish in praying that you would become one, simply because I knew I would long to see your face. The problem, however, was that it would never stay like that. The next time I would long for your touch and your kiss but with you as a ghost I knew I couldn't have that.

I could not decide what on earth was beside me before I could hear the wind howl, though I felt nothing. I looked to my right side and saw nothing, nor did I with my left side. It was strange but the wind was blowing from the west, but something or someone was blocking me from it. The sunlight beat down on my face, and I could feel a slight flush sweeping across my body, and I could feel the warm pavement behind my legs, and backside as I sat on the stone stairway up to the Pumpkin Patches. I could still feel.

I knew coming back to Hogwarts would pose possible emotional problems for me, seeing as it was probably the last place that my best friends and I were seriously happy, along with our significant others on the day of Graduation. Padfoot had Caroline, I had you, Prongs had finally captured Lily's heart and Wormtail was just ... Wormtail, but he was happy none the less. I settled my head in my hands. I had momentarily used them to see if I could still feel correctly, as soon as I felt the cool chill that I felt when you were around those many years ago. Many people thought that you should receive warm and sweaty palms from the presence of the girl you love, but I was not fortunate enough to have that feeling. I experienced a cold kind of chill, which I am sure was a werewolf trait that I could not avoid.

Seeing Harry Potter in my Defense against the Dark Arts classes were hard enough, especially with Padfoot out and about. I knew Sirius would be trying to reach Harry, to finally explain what happened so many years ago though I was sure that my dear old friend thought that Harry had some idea of his past. I, on the other hand, was perfectly sure that Dumbledore had told Harry as little details as possible. I couldn't judge the man as I would have probably done to same thing to protect the boy but seeing Harry gave me a pang in the heart. I had known his father much better than he had, and I had known his mother too. It didn't seem right to be able to know so much about Harry but when he had the Marauders Map the other day, I was sure I could feel James, Lily and you beside me.

James would want his son to have the creation of the Marauders, but I know Lily would frown upon Harry continuing James's love of pranking. I, myself, am not quite sure if it would be a bad idea to give such a wanted boy the map just in case. He has the invisibility cloak, which I'm not surprised about, as Dumbledore wouldn't keep that from him especially as Harry knew so little of his father. You, on the other hand, were probably giggling at the irony of the situation. I was always the one that put James Potter in his place, telling him when something was too wrong, and now here I was confiscating the Marauder's Map from James's son. Despite the fact that I was so deeply connected to you, it has only been the last couple months that I have felt your presence. I finally thought I was free from your arms of loving compassion, but I must miss you much more than I thought. It will be fifteen years in a couple of weeks since you were so devastatingly ripped from my arms by that satanic werewolf, Fenrir Greyback. He didn't just bite you, no, he killed you and for that I will never forgive myself. He was angered at me that day, and you were the closest thing of my affections. For that, I blame myself.

I hope you forgive my mistake of loving you so dearly. I should have never let someone as pure and wonderful as you near anything like me. Friendship was even too close for some, and though it may not have killed them, it defiantly took it's toll on them. Padfoot, for example, nearly got expelled that night he betrayed me to Snape. No, I could not muster hatred on him now, as he has been forgiven for a very long time but it still took a very harsh chunk out of our relationship. Snape has forgiven me, knowing that I was insanely unprotected and out of control the night of the near attack so many years ago, and has constantly brewed me my potion and for that I am completely grateful.

You, on the other hand, I pushed and pushed away though you never left. I never even pushed Sirius away, even after that night of tragedy and terror that I had released upon Severus, but I was determined about you. I would refuse to talk to you, try and make you hate me but never did it work. You always felt the need for me to be near, and no matter how much of a struggle it was for me to accept you, I did. The love I felt for you was like nothing I have ever felt before, and that might be why I can feel you on my shoulder right now. I want to help you move on. It could be your spirit, but I'm not so sure that that can even happen.

A sudden urge to speak has suddenly made me hopeful toward what could help you decent toward heaven. "I love you, Ellie. I always have, and a part of me always will. Through thick and thin you were there for me, and I will always love you." The wind blew again, and the whistling became more prominent. The leaves at my feet whirled in anger, as the stone beneath my backside froze. A sudden violent shake of warmth wrapped around my body as I felt the stone tremble beneath my feet. I was obviously the only one to feel it, as nobody acted any different than as if this was normal. As if it was just me feeling the sudden obscurities affecting Hogwart's Pumpkin Patches' stairs.

"I love you too" came a sudden howl of the wind, and I was sure that you had left me. How those few words had comforted you, I was not sure, but they had. I had practically killed you myself, and all you needed after fifteen years was for me to whisper to the wind how much I loved you. I would do it again if it would take away the pain of that night. The night you died. Now, only if I could feel the same comfort from your words as you had from mine. That way I still wouldn't have the tormenting nightmare of you, Fenrir and I. You may not have seen it, but I tried to protect you as you lay lifeless on the floor under the glowing full moon. I know that you can not hear me now, but thinking gives me a false sense of hope that I probably shouldn't hold but do, none the less. Magic works in weird and wonderful ways, and I hope that you can feel my pain as I did yours that night. Love is a weird thing, and it connects those who feel it in ways that nothing else could do. Magic, even, is no competition for love. The wind is just the helper to the magic, the helper to the powers of love.

And then, I realized it. I'd never told you that I loved you. I just thought you knew. The words that I had just provided you let you knew I cared. I wish I'd told you how much I cared each and every single day. So many regrets, I have, and I only wish I'd been much better to you. But that was the past. I wish I could do more to change it, but like Lily always said 'never live on yesterday.' Smart woman, that Lily Potter.


End file.
